Shade Tree Philosophy

You know, I’ve been keeping something back for quite some time. I’ve been hearing this whole thing from “good guys” about the “friend zone” idea and I think it’s time I threw my two cents in on the subject.

Before I say anything else, let me preface this rant with the fact that I am BY FAR no relationship expert. If you’ve been close enough to me to know my history, especially over the last five years, you know that I kind of take things as the come and mostly just crash into the ground in a screaming, painful and fiery wreck. But while I may not know much of how to do right in relationships, I know people. The last nineteen years in retail make that a must. So I have to say, guys, that when you talk about the “friend zone” the only thing you do is make yourself look pathetic.

I will admit, I’ve used it as an excuse in the past for my own failings. But when I’ve back at the before mentioned five years I’ve realized that the faults didn’t lay in my being a “good” guy. The faults are a different story for a different time. 

See, with most women (not all, no theory “works” on everyone) they want a guy who has manly, or at least man-like qualities. You’ve all said “women only like jerks who treat them bad” but the truth is that they aren’t attracted to the pain the “jerks” cause, they’re attracted to the decisiveness that those guys show. 

Those guys may look like “jerks” to you but they are guys who speak their minds, make mistakes that are visible, burp, laugh too loud, show attraction to other women (like the male gene MAKES us all have, regardless of you saying crap like “I only have eyes for you”) and incite a range of emotion in the women who CHOOSE them. Whether or not you think they’re “right” or not they still openly exhibit masculine qualities. To women, that is attractive.

Then there the “good guy” is, holding the door, buying gifts, remembering birthdays, special events & etc and throwing an emotional fit when those things they’re doing don’t get noticed and rewarded. Because let’s face it, while you may have been taught right, the idea of the movie-magic moment when “she” looks at you and realizes you’ve been the right one all along is always in the back of your mind. That’s looking for a reward, and that taints every good deed you can do. If you want to hold the door, buy gifts; remember birthdays, special events & etc. do so with an honest heart and not for what is a selfish motivation. A “good guy” who is good for gain is worse than any of those “jerks” are.

When it comes down to it, guys, the world isn’t black and white anymore. The romantic notion of fate, being the knight on the white horse and the hero getting the girl are as dead as the metazoic era. I know it sucks, I know it’s not “fair” but it’s just the way that things are. Throwing a fit and denying it aren’t going to resurrect anything, it’s just going to make you look like a fossil with tear-stains.

Keep being a “good guy.” I’m not saying to change. I’m just saying to keep your expectations in the real world and do right to do right, not to earn a heart. Take it from me, a guy who has made every mistake he could possibly make, and a few he didn’t know existed, if she doesn’t want to give you her heart it’s only going to be a hollow victory in the end. If she casts you as a friend be happy about it. My best friend is a woman and trust me, if my whole world broke apart and rotted she would be the first person I would run to, without a thought. No woman I’ve been in a relationship can boast that. She knows me inside and out, all my failures, faults and messes and she loves me in spite of it.

So with that said, “friend zone” be damned.

Show some spine, don’t blame failures on your qualities, laugh in the face of that ridiculous cliché of “nice guys” finishing last. Be something that no one expects. Do what you do out of it being natural;  speak you mind, make mistakes that are visible, burp, laugh too loud, show (moderate) attraction to other women all while holding the door, buying gifts, remembering birthdays, special events & etc. And if “she” CHOOSES to give you her heart, and everything else that goes with it, it’ll mean something real. Something outside of clichés, story-book ideas. Something that can exist in a gray world. No one can fix it but you.

you’re gonna catch turds.

Women, I’m talking about men. And the stupid idea that you have when you think you can change him.

You met him at a party, you were both smashed out of your mind. You thought he was hot so you walked outside and banged him in your car.

Honestly, that’s a idiocy, but where I live it’s not an uncommon idiocy. It’s also not the largest one. The bigger foul comes in the following weeks where you’re texting him every day trying to build a castle on a foundation of poor drunken decision making.

You didn’t scour the universities, art exhibits, churches or poetry readings for this guy. You had common friends and low enough inhibitions at the same time. Don’t attempt to transform him into something he’s not to try and make yourself feel like less of a skank.  

Chances are he’s not the knight in shining armor that the cartoons and fairy tales lied to you about. Him being what you “want” or “need” isn’t under there, if you just work hard enough. He’s just a guy.

When you go to a tire store you don’t walk out with two hundred year old silverware, you walk out with tires. It’s obvious that you don’t respect yourself enough, please try to at least respect the laws of reality. Change your ways, or at least stop lying about it.

only yourself for trying to catch it before it hits the ground.

In other words, people are people and they’re gonna do what they’re gonna do. I know, you want to hope for the best, maybe just catch a gimps of that friend, spouse, or lover beating alcoholism, drug abuse or even something as small as negativity or self-serving ways You want to see them become something that you feel they can be, and they might. We all have potential, but we are what we are.

I’m not saying people can’t change, I’m only saying that changing isn’t the standard. You can help them, but in the end you have no real control over the ultimate thoughts and actions of others.

I had this girlfriend once, I loved her pretty well. But she was hung up on complaining about the woman I had been with before her. I honestly had no intentions of infidelity. We fought night and day about it because she was convinced that I was going to cheat on her. No matter what I did, she kept on fussing and starting fights about it.

I tried again and again to patch things up. I forgave her when she said she was sorry, and pretended that it didn’t happen. My insides were torn up about it. I had to watch everything I said and give full account of everywhere I was and who I was with. I thought the problem was with me, even though I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but the problem was in the fact that she couldn’t get over her anger.

In the end we went our separate ways. It was my doing. I got tired of expecting something that wasn’t in her nature. It was time to take responsibility for myself and stop “trying to catch it before it hit the ground.”

In closing, I am saying to hope for the best in people. Do what you can for those around you but don’t bet your heart on everything in front of you. Balance it with your brain, that’s why God gave us one of each.

A few months ago, she said to me “you need to write this all down.” I swear I was listening, I’d just heard that line before.

I don’t know what I’m getting at half of the the time. Truth be told I usually just talk until something good comes out then I sit there and try to pull as much good out of it as I can.

But you see, girl, it’s really difficult these days to get folks to sit still enough to read a piece of a book, let alone a full one. So I guess I’ll just give it to them in small doses. Maybe they won’t even notice.